A few nights ago I laid awake and realized that I am very fearful about adopting. I put aside my excitement about having another child, about seeing God move in miraculous ways and about the adventures we would go on. I laid aside those things and got real with myself. Really, real and raw.
What if my daughter is jealous?
What if I don't bond with her?
What if my husband doesn't bond with her?
What if I don't feel the same love for her?
What if I regret adopting?
(And here is where it gets really bad)
What if I am a better mommy to an adopted child than to my own flesh and blood?
What if I have more patience with this child than my own?
What if my girl becomes bitter because I am a better mommy to her new sister?
You see, these may sound silly to you but they are real to me. And maybe its just not adopting that brings out these fears. I only have one child so I don't know. I do know that when you are a first time mom you seem to be more rigid. And then with each child you relax a little bit.
I have lost my patience with my girl more times than I can remember. I make her feel bad (sometimes) for things that aggravate me. We spend a lot of time together. She has never been to preschool and we home school. We are together basically anytime we are awake. So in the middle of the night I don't feel like sitting in the bathroom with you while you go poo poo. I want to sleep. I am not proud of these things and I try to do better. But she will remember these.
So, what if her sister wakes up in the middle of the night and wants me to sit in the bathroom with her for-EVER? How will I handle this? If I handle it right, will my girl become bitter and jealous?
So you see? There are many issues going through my head and heart. I know the Lord will work through these with me and for me. I know that satan HATES adoption. He HATES orphans and he HATES families that want to love on an orphan and bring them home. Satan will do everything in his power to discourage us, I know this and I am expecting it.
But I will fight it. God says strong and important things about orphans and He will fight for them until the end.