Adoption Fundraiser

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Friday, September 17, 2010

The Lord has spoken

Just a quick little note to say that the Lord met me where I was. I was close to the pit. I couldn't figure it out. I prayed and begged Him to speak, or show me what was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. My husband would come home from his 12 hour shift and I would tell him how I felt, but I had no words for it. I'm sure he thought I was losing it. We are so new to this adoption thing and havn't even begun the process that I am scared of scaring him away from it. He is for it! But I have a tendency to talk, talk, talk about whatever is exciting me. I guess I just felt so consumed with orphans and didn't know how to deal with the reality of it. So to talk so much about it and try to figure it out would have freaked him out and I know his eyes would eventually glaze over. I've seen it happen before.

So I couldn't really get all of the yucky out of my heart. I was confused about some things and just plain overwhelmed with THE WHOLE ORPHAN CRISIS. I was just having a hard time processing so much.

And to tell you the truth I feel like satan was trying to discourage me by overwhelming me. And it was working. I started to doubt adoption period. In the midst of this my emotions were shutting down.

But last night our preacher brought it! And the Lord spoke. And it changed me forever. I will have this child. She will be my victory. I will hold fast to this promise from a God who has heard my cries this week. He has seen my broken heart. He has heard my prayers for a changed heart. He has given me a promise of victory.

My emotions are in check, I have a full out joy for this promise. I am functioning with a real smile on my face today. I am at rest in Him.

Thank you Father.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Adoption Fears

A few nights ago I laid awake and realized that I am very fearful about adopting. I put aside my excitement about having another child, about seeing God move in miraculous ways and about the adventures we would go on. I laid aside those things and got real with myself. Really, real and raw.

What if my daughter is jealous?

What if I don't bond with her?

What if my husband doesn't bond with her?

What if I don't feel the same love for her?

What if I regret adopting?

(And here is where it gets really bad)

What if I am a better mommy to an adopted child than to my own flesh and blood?

What if I have more patience with this child than my own?

What if my girl becomes bitter because I am a better mommy to her new sister?

You see, these may sound silly to you but they are real to me. And maybe its just not adopting that brings out these fears. I only have one child so I don't know. I do know that when you are a first time mom you seem to be more rigid. And then with each child you relax a little bit.

I have lost my patience with my girl more times than I can remember. I make her feel bad (sometimes) for things that aggravate me. We spend a lot of time together. She has never been to preschool and we home school. We are together basically anytime we are awake. So in the middle of the night I don't feel like sitting in the bathroom with you while you go poo poo. I want to sleep. I am not proud of these things and I try to do better. But she will remember these.

So, what if her sister wakes up in the middle of the night and wants me to sit in the bathroom with her for-EVER? How will I handle this? If I handle it right, will my girl become bitter and jealous?

So you see? There are many issues going through my head and heart. I know the Lord will work through these with me and for me. I know that satan HATES adoption. He HATES orphans and he HATES families that want to love on an orphan and bring them home. Satan will do everything in his power to discourage us, I know this and I am expecting it.

But I will fight it. God says strong and important things about orphans and He will fight for them until the end.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Where I'm at...

Do you ever get in a funk and can't snap out of it? That is where I'm at. Deep down I know I have to just pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with life. But I don't feel like it.

It started on Saturday. It was a rainy day, which usually I love, but this day was not lovely. I did mundane things like lesson plans and clothes sorting. I felt a burden for an adoption that doesn't even have an agency yet.

I miss my husband. He has a wonderful job that he loves. They have made it mandatory to work 12 hours a day and 7 days a week until further notice. I miss him. It was hard to go to church on Sunday alone.

There are so many things I need to be thankful for though. My husband has a job!!! And I know there are families out there who need jobs. I also know there are families out there who work just as many hours a week, but don't get the compensation that we are getting.

I do not like this funk. I do not like doing school and faking a sweet voice to my girl. I do not like pasting on a smile because she deserves better than a momma in a funk.

These past few days I have consumed myself with things about adoption, orphans and things of that nature. I am frustrated because I do not know where to start. Do I need to wait until we buy a house next year? I'm frustrated at being frustrated. Adoption is not the only way to help an orphan. I know this and I want to do more. And its frustrating me because God is speaking to me and changing me. And I don't like the way it feels. I don't want to give up some sweet boots I've been eyeing and donate the money to 147 Million Orphans.

And truthfully, I've been hormonal this week and that probably has a lot to do with my funk. Its still not fun though. Well, it might be fun if I could just sleep all day and eat chocolate. But that is impossible. So, no fun.

But today I think of women who are going through so much more. And I am praying. Do you need prayer? I will pray.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

On my mind...

You. This blog. You have been on my mind. I have neglected you to no end. I did spruce you up a bit, but I'd like to do more. You know, like post more often. I'd like to add more pictures too.

My girl. I have spent the last hour changing out clothing for fall/winter. (Yes! You heard that right! This Florida, I mean Virginia girl is in need of her fleece pants today!!!) As I am cleaning out her closet and her drawers I am sad. She hit a growth spurt this summer that knocked me to the ground. My 5 year old is no longer my baby. I can still catch a glimpse of her smallness. I see it in her little hands as shes doing a puzzle. I hear it in her sweet voice when she tells me she loves me.

Our bedroom doors are on either end of a hallway. She was in her room trying on clothes and I was spying on her from my bed. It was like all of the sudden she was 17. I saw her taller, leaner and grown up. And it made my heart hurt.

Turning 30 this year has changed my perspective on a lot of things. I have realized that this is the only life I get to live. It is spiraling out of control very quickly, meaning, the time...where has it gone? At the same time I am realizing I no longer have a baby. I have a child. And I guess what I am realizing is that I have taken all of these years for granted. Oh, I adored her and couldn't get enough of her as a baby. But then something happened where it became all about me. (getting real here...)Her constant chatter annoyed me, she got in my way a lot, and in general I wanted to be left alone. I definitely had issues and I feel like I worked through a lot of them. I know I have considering I can look back and see all the bad. Realizing that things aren't going to slow down and this is my only chance with her has snapped me out of my funk.

I told my husband last night that I am so thrilled to get to home school her. I thought that when she is 18 and headed to college I will be so grateful I was able to spend all this time with her, because I know I am going to miss her. Think of all the time that could be lost at school?

I have also been thinking a lot of how content I am. Its not like we are settled. We are far from it. We had planned on building this year while we rented, but we think God is changing our plans to include buying a house in the area.
But something about being in the mountains, something about experiencing fall weather ALREADY, it just has me at peace. God is so good to us, and He is at work in our lives and I am so happy and peaceful.

My marriage has been on my mind. We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary in December. Our marriage has never been easy. We've had a lot of ups and downs. Too many to count, but praise God!!!! we are still going at it. Ten years is a long time to get to know someone. I am just finally learning to relax, not take things so personally and stop being so sensitive. Whew! It took long enough and I am sure it will take another 10 years before I feel like I've half way conquered them.

I have been thinking a lot about my other daughter. This past January God put a small Chinese girl in front of us and said I have this for you. We have had a little Chinese girl on our hearts whenever we talk about her or pray. but recently God has shown me that she may not be Chinese and would I be ok with that? Yeah, I don't really think He was asking my permission either. Lets just consider that a rhetorical question. After prayer and seeking Him, Yes, I am ok with that. So, now our next daughter has no face. But she does have a name. We havn't even started the process due to the fact that my husband just started a job this week and makes no where near the required income. (Does anyone have any loopholes around this)?

So, So many things on my mind these past few weeks. So lets just say that I am a happy and content woman who is loving on her girl like crazy, loving being married and dreaming of a little girl who will one day be mine. Life is good.