Sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror. The laugh line on the left side of my mouth is a little more pronounced these days. When I first noticed it I thought it made me look mature, wise, like I was maybe an adult. I've always wondered when I would actually feel like an adult.
It didn't happen when I was married at 20. It should have. I married a man who had only been divorced 1 year prior to our marriage. He was (and still is, by the way) twelve years older than me. He had 3 boys. The oldest only being ten years younger than me. He had a hefty child support payment. Not to mention about 300 heavy, heavy bags of stuff. Baggage. And his ex-wife? Let's not go there. Let me just clarify. I met my husband 4 months after his divorce. We were married 8 months later. I did not break up their marriage. But wow, you would have thought I did by the way the last ten years have been with her.
I did not feel like an adult when I had my daughter. I should have. Shouldn't all mothers actually feel like an adult when they become a parent? I can tell I have grown since then. I used to let the dishes pile up all week because I didn't "feel" like washing them. I think when she was born I got over that "I don't feel like it" attitude. Good thing too.
Then I wondered if I would feel like an adult when I turned 30. I know a lot of 30 year old women. They have a family, career and apparently have it all together. I see them as women. How can it be that I am almost their age and would not consider myself a woman? Last night at church I had a 19 year old girl call me "Miss" and it sounded so wrong.
So when I think of all the things that make me a woman, it looks right on paper. See, watch...
I've been married almost 10 years.
I have a 5 year old daughter.
I run a household.
I homeschool my daughter and will continue to homeschool her until she graduates.
I did our church's financial books for a few years. (You have to be an adult to know how to do that right?)
I sing on my church's praise team and help lead the congregation in worship on Sunday mornings.
I help make good, sound decisions for my family.
I do my best to respect my husband as the Bible instructs me to.
I have done a good job (along with my husband) raising my daughter so far. She is respectful, and loves Jesus already.
I just had to discipline my daughter for not doing what I asked her to do (the first 100 times)
I am breathing in fumes from oven cleaner. Only adults clean ovens, right?
All of these things sound so grown up. But I can't see myself in them. I look in the mirror and see the eyes of a teenager I was so long ago. Still unsure of myself. In my head I am still a child. I rely on my husband for a lot of guidance. Of course, that in and of itself is not a bad thing. He is wise and he is the head of our family. But I find myself calling and asking for his opinion on whether or not I should spend $5 on lunch out.
So what is the answer? Am I the only woman like this? Is there anyone else who has a hard time with their identity? How do I start seeing myself as God sees me? Maybe I should meditate on the verses that specifically talk about how wonderful God made us, how much He adores us.
All I know is that my 30th birthday is just around the corner. I am spending my days counting my calories. I am trying to get into good physical shape in time for the big 30. But it is occuring to me that I need to be in good spiritual shape as well. I'm not getting any younger. I want to be found faithful when the Lord returns.
Can you relate?