Today I'd like to tell you about my battle with infertility. The battle wasn't as long as some women's. We started trying to have a baby right after September 11, 2001. I'm not sure if that had any significant meaning. My cycles had always been a little on the erratic side, but I didn't realize how this might affect my ability to get pregnant right away. I also feel the need to say that I was slightly overweight during this time. I'd like to think that this had something to do with it also, but I am reminded of how God's timing is perfect. It just so happened that the time when I had lost a lot of weight is the same time I became pregnant.
Those years of my marriage don't hold up well in my memory. Thankful I kept a journal. I'd like to just let you read parts of my entries and let that tell you the story.
(Apparently either I didn't journal during this time, or its lost. But in Feb. 2002 I had a very early miscarriage. Early or not, it was still extremely devastating for me.)
The cry of my heart. Lord, I want children. I want to be a mommy. I want a life growing inside me. Please hear my prayers for a baby girl.
Please hear my prayers and cries for motherhood. Lord, I'm really trying to lose weight. I want to be healthy when the pregnancy begins. Please honor that. Your timing is perfect.
I have felt this heavy depression on me. I'm guessing it's not being pregnant yet. Thats really been affecting me lately. And why wouldn't it? It's devastating. Sometimes I'm just like, "So, God, it's not gonna happen is it?"
Sometimes I just picture my insides being gone. That's exactly how empty I feel. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.
Looking back on the past few years of this journal, I can see that motherhood has been a prayer from the start. Sixteen months. Month after month of lost, useless hope.
There was a time that I stopped journaling about wanting to be pregnant. I lost my insurance and made myself stop thinking about it.
I just really pray I can get pregnant this month. What a joyful celebration. What a happy time that would be. Is this the month? I don't want to get my hopes up, but I am so excited to think this could actually happen.
I just wonder how it would feel to have a baby growing inside me. Will I be in constant praise? Will the problems of everyday life be so minor compared to my miracle? After waiting so long and praying so hard, will my faith be multiplied by 1,000 when it finally happens? Will the entire 9 months be filled with continuous joy? The moment when my baby is born, will I praise God outloud? Will my baby's eyes still be sparkling from the very touch of Jesus's hand in my womb? Will holding my baby close bring me close to the fingerprints of God? Afterall, God was holding and forming and pefecting my baby for 9 months. His fingerprints will be fresh on my baby's soft skin. Oh my Lord, I long for Your hands in my womb forming and wonderfully making my baby.
I'm pregnant! God has been so faithful to hear the cries of my heart for the last couple of years. I'm fully blessed that I can experience this wonderful miracle growing inside of me. Thank you Jesus for Your continued faithfulness in my life. Your joy overwhelms me.
A girl! God's faithfulness is never ending.
In my memorial box (honestly, I don't have one, but this is the first thing we will get when we start to furnish our new house.) I will put a dollar. After many years of wasting money on those expensive pregnancy tests, the one that I used when I found out was from the DOLLAR STORE! Who knew?
I remember that I had felt so irritable in those days. More than usual. Ha! I had a fight with my husband and left to go meet my mom because she was coming in from out of state. I mentioned to her that I was late (nothing new) and that I wanted to get a test while we were out. The very thought alone made her day. We were in the dollar store and she showed me the test. I said whatever. I knew that if was negative that I would have just went out and bought a name brand one. We bought 2 just in case. I was so anxious when we got home that evening that I couldn't not take the test. My mom wasn't any help either. She urged me into the bathroom immediately. It was positive. I took the other test. Positive. I went 20 minutes to the nearest store and bought more. Both positive. I couldn't believe it.
The rest is history.