Memorial Box Monday

Today I'd like to tell you about my battle with infertility. The battle wasn't as long as some women's. We started trying to have a baby right after September 11, 2001. I'm not sure if that had any significant meaning. My cycles had always been a little on the erratic side, but I didn't realize how this might affect my ability to get pregnant right away. I also feel the need to say that I was slightly overweight during this time. I'd like to think that this had something to do with it also, but I am reminded of how God's timing is perfect. It just so happened that the time when I had lost a lot of weight is the same time I became pregnant.
Those years of my marriage don't hold up well in my memory. Thankful I kept a journal. I'd like to just let you read parts of my entries and let that tell you the story.
(Apparently either I didn't journal during this time, or its lost. But in Feb. 2002 I had a very early miscarriage. Early or not, it was still extremely devastating for me.)

3.2.02
The cry of my heart. Lord, I want children. I want to be a mommy. I want a life growing inside me. Please hear my prayers for a baby girl.

4.5.02
Lord,
Please hear my prayers and cries for motherhood. Lord, I'm really trying to lose weight. I want to be healthy when the pregnancy begins. Please honor that. Your timing is perfect.

1.23.03
I have felt this heavy depression on me. I'm guessing it's not being pregnant yet. Thats really been affecting me lately. And why wouldn't it? It's devastating. Sometimes I'm just like, "So, God, it's not gonna happen is it?"
Sometimes I just picture my insides being gone. That's exactly how empty I feel. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.

1.24.03
Looking back on the past few years of this journal, I can see that motherhood has been a prayer from the start. Sixteen months. Month after month of lost, useless hope.

There was a time that I stopped journaling about wanting to be pregnant. I lost my insurance and made myself stop thinking about it.

8.25.03
I just really pray I can get pregnant this month. What a joyful celebration. What a happy time that would be. Is this the month? I don't want to get my hopes up, but I am so excited to think this could actually happen.

8.27.03
I just wonder how it would feel to have a baby growing inside me. Will I be in constant praise? Will the problems of everyday life be so minor compared to my miracle? After waiting so long and praying so hard, will my faith be multiplied by 1,000 when it finally happens? Will the entire 9 months be filled with continuous joy? The moment when my baby is born, will I praise God outloud? Will my baby's eyes still be sparkling from the very touch of Jesus's hand in my womb? Will holding my baby close bring me close to the fingerprints of God? Afterall, God was holding and forming and pefecting my baby for 9 months. His fingerprints will be fresh on my baby's soft skin. Oh my Lord, I long for Your hands in my womb forming and wonderfully making my baby.

4.12.04
I'm pregnant! God has been so faithful to hear the cries of my heart for the last couple of years. I'm fully blessed that I can experience this wonderful miracle growing inside of me. Thank you Jesus for Your continued faithfulness in my life. Your joy overwhelms me.

6.30.04
A girl! God's faithfulness is never ending.

In my memorial box (honestly, I don't have one, but this is the first thing we will get when we start to furnish our new house.) I will put a dollar. After many years of wasting money on those expensive pregnancy tests, the one that I used when I found out was from the DOLLAR STORE! Who knew?

I remember that I had felt so irritable in those days. More than usual. Ha! I had a fight with my husband and left to go meet my mom because she was coming in from out of state. I mentioned to her that I was late (nothing new) and that I wanted to get a test while we were out. The very thought alone made her day. We were in the dollar store and she showed me the test. I said whatever. I knew that if was negative that I would have just went out and bought a name brand one. We bought 2 just in case. I was so anxious when we got home that evening that I couldn't not take the test. My mom wasn't any help either. She urged me into the bathroom immediately. It was positive. I took the other test. Positive. I went 20 minutes to the nearest store and bought more. Both positive. I couldn't believe it.
The rest is history.

The Orphan

updated:
I got permission to link to a blog that I love:
A Place Called Simplicity
This is Linn and she is incredible. She has introduced me to the orphan through her blog. God has used her to speak to me in so many areas of my life. But caring for the orphan is just the beginning. She has adopted multiple children and has 10 children total. Her heart is so beautiful that I know you will feel the same way. Please check out her blog.


God's Word is extremely clear in the way He feels about the orphan. He is for the orphan. Just look at what is says here in James:

James 1:27 (New International Version)
27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I owe a lot of my knowledge about the orphan to a fellow blogger. She is an advocate for orphans and her life is overflowing in blessing because of it. And it is because God led me to her blog exactly one year ago this week that my heart is breaking for the orphans of the world.

I have been praying for awhile now that God would break my heart for the things that break His. A great prayer by the way, if you are looking for something specific to pray. The Bible says that a lot is expected from those who have a lot. We don't have a lot by any means, but we are more than blessed. I have been reading about all of the great work that Compassion is doing. What a great group of people. In my heart, I've wanted to do something, but I just wasn't sure what God had in mind. I specifically wanted to do something for the orphan. But as far as I know Compassion works with children who already have families. Not that these children don't deserve the help. These children live in poverty. Way below poverty. They need your help. Help them. Its just that in my heart the orphan was calling my name. I knew that sponsoring would not be a viable option right now. We are trying to build a house. A modest house, but we are trying to do this with cash. And that takes saving a LOT of cash. (I'll post about this another time.) So, when you are trying to build a home with cash, you don't really want anything else going out the door. You tend to hold onto every cent. Not a great philosophy, but a very common one I think.
So, I knew my husband would not be game. I've brought it up in conversation a few times, but never pushed the issue. (Again, I wanted to do some kind of sponsorship, but wasn't sure how to do this for the orphan.) My husband is all about saving money and was not into it. I kept waiting. Not intentionally, but just set it aside in my head and prayed about it now and then.
Fast forward to last Friday night. We attended the Winter Jam. Many wonderful artist and we had a great time!!! It was then we were introduced to Holt International. It was an answer to my prayers. They work specifically with the orphan. You can sponsor an orphan while they are waiting to be adopted. It takes quite a bit of money to run an orphanage and take decent care of the children. So you send $30 a month. And get this, they estimate it will take 6-18 months to place the children in homes. So, you pay until they are adopted. Then you can decide to sponsor another child or stop right there.
During the intermission my husband looked at me and said if I wanted to sponsor a child, we can do it. I about fell out of my seat. God had been working on his heart this whole time. And let me just say that this has been a rough year for our family. For us to sponsor this child is a true miracle. Through this small act, God is giving me a glimpse of the hope that is in our future.
So, my girl is 5 and I was looking for one close to her age. And I knew for sure that I wanted her to be Chinese. We chose Mu. She is a sweet, beautiful newly turned 8 year old. I don't have a lot of info on her yet. I can't wait to get it. My heart is overflowing for this girl. God is so good.
There has also been talk about some more permanant decisions regarding the orphan. I can't wrap my brain around it, but folks, believe me when I tell you that this is a miracle.