Virginia Mountains

This doesn't even show how the leaves are changing now. Just wait until I get those pictures.

I know its been quiet around here. Truthfully its hard to get motivated to post on a blog that nobody reads! But I keep it up because I love to go back and read my own stuff. Its like a journal.

This will probably become some sort of adoption blog. Its just where my heart is right now.

We have to wait until July next year until we can start any type of adoption. I'm not very good at waiting though. So it will be a long road.

I still love living in Virginia. Its like we were always meant to be here. Even though there is so much unrest about so many things in our lives right now, I am at peace knowing I am surrounded by such beauty. I've always responded well to the beauty of God's creation. I feel closer to Him when I am outside. The wind on my face comes at just the right time to let me know He's near. The beauty of the mountains makes me in awe of His majesty.

Homeschooling is going extremely well. I love it! My girl is learning to read and she is so super smart. Its so fun because there were a couple of days that I was feeling dumpy and we just did school work in my bed! How cool is that? I may have said this before but I love the time I get to spend with my girl. Yeah, of course there are times when I am over talking to a 5 year old. Sometimes I just need to be alone and it never happens. Especially to a homeschooling momma whose husband is working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. (Not complaining, just trying to be real!) But I am cherishing the time I get with her. She will be 6 soon and I am alarmed at the speed in which she is growing up. I try and always have a view of the future.

I guess that about sums up whats been going on here. Not much. We have have plans in the works and I will be back soon to talk about those.

The Lord has spoken

Just a quick little note to say that the Lord met me where I was. I was close to the pit. I couldn't figure it out. I prayed and begged Him to speak, or show me what was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. My husband would come home from his 12 hour shift and I would tell him how I felt, but I had no words for it. I'm sure he thought I was losing it. We are so new to this adoption thing and havn't even begun the process that I am scared of scaring him away from it. He is for it! But I have a tendency to talk, talk, talk about whatever is exciting me. I guess I just felt so consumed with orphans and didn't know how to deal with the reality of it. So to talk so much about it and try to figure it out would have freaked him out and I know his eyes would eventually glaze over. I've seen it happen before.

So I couldn't really get all of the yucky out of my heart. I was confused about some things and just plain overwhelmed with THE WHOLE ORPHAN CRISIS. I was just having a hard time processing so much.

And to tell you the truth I feel like satan was trying to discourage me by overwhelming me. And it was working. I started to doubt adoption period. In the midst of this my emotions were shutting down.

But last night our preacher brought it! And the Lord spoke. And it changed me forever. I will have this child. She will be my victory. I will hold fast to this promise from a God who has heard my cries this week. He has seen my broken heart. He has heard my prayers for a changed heart. He has given me a promise of victory.

My emotions are in check, I have a full out joy for this promise. I am functioning with a real smile on my face today. I am at rest in Him.

Thank you Father.

Adoption Fears

A few nights ago I laid awake and realized that I am very fearful about adopting. I put aside my excitement about having another child, about seeing God move in miraculous ways and about the adventures we would go on. I laid aside those things and got real with myself. Really, real and raw.

What if my daughter is jealous?

What if I don't bond with her?

What if my husband doesn't bond with her?

What if I don't feel the same love for her?

What if I regret adopting?

(And here is where it gets really bad)

What if I am a better mommy to an adopted child than to my own flesh and blood?

What if I have more patience with this child than my own?

What if my girl becomes bitter because I am a better mommy to her new sister?

You see, these may sound silly to you but they are real to me. And maybe its just not adopting that brings out these fears. I only have one child so I don't know. I do know that when you are a first time mom you seem to be more rigid. And then with each child you relax a little bit.

I have lost my patience with my girl more times than I can remember. I make her feel bad (sometimes) for things that aggravate me. We spend a lot of time together. She has never been to preschool and we home school. We are together basically anytime we are awake. So in the middle of the night I don't feel like sitting in the bathroom with you while you go poo poo. I want to sleep. I am not proud of these things and I try to do better. But she will remember these.

So, what if her sister wakes up in the middle of the night and wants me to sit in the bathroom with her for-EVER? How will I handle this? If I handle it right, will my girl become bitter and jealous?

So you see? There are many issues going through my head and heart. I know the Lord will work through these with me and for me. I know that satan HATES adoption. He HATES orphans and he HATES families that want to love on an orphan and bring them home. Satan will do everything in his power to discourage us, I know this and I am expecting it.

But I will fight it. God says strong and important things about orphans and He will fight for them until the end.

Where I'm at...

Do you ever get in a funk and can't snap out of it? That is where I'm at. Deep down I know I have to just pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with life. But I don't feel like it.

It started on Saturday. It was a rainy day, which usually I love, but this day was not lovely. I did mundane things like lesson plans and clothes sorting. I felt a burden for an adoption that doesn't even have an agency yet.

I miss my husband. He has a wonderful job that he loves. They have made it mandatory to work 12 hours a day and 7 days a week until further notice. I miss him. It was hard to go to church on Sunday alone.

There are so many things I need to be thankful for though. My husband has a job!!! And I know there are families out there who need jobs. I also know there are families out there who work just as many hours a week, but don't get the compensation that we are getting.

I do not like this funk. I do not like doing school and faking a sweet voice to my girl. I do not like pasting on a smile because she deserves better than a momma in a funk.

These past few days I have consumed myself with things about adoption, orphans and things of that nature. I am frustrated because I do not know where to start. Do I need to wait until we buy a house next year? I'm frustrated at being frustrated. Adoption is not the only way to help an orphan. I know this and I want to do more. And its frustrating me because God is speaking to me and changing me. And I don't like the way it feels. I don't want to give up some sweet boots I've been eyeing and donate the money to 147 Million Orphans.

And truthfully, I've been hormonal this week and that probably has a lot to do with my funk. Its still not fun though. Well, it might be fun if I could just sleep all day and eat chocolate. But that is impossible. So, no fun.

But today I think of women who are going through so much more. And I am praying. Do you need prayer? I will pray.

On my mind...

You. This blog. You have been on my mind. I have neglected you to no end. I did spruce you up a bit, but I'd like to do more. You know, like post more often. I'd like to add more pictures too.

My girl. I have spent the last hour changing out clothing for fall/winter. (Yes! You heard that right! This Florida, I mean Virginia girl is in need of her fleece pants today!!!) As I am cleaning out her closet and her drawers I am sad. She hit a growth spurt this summer that knocked me to the ground. My 5 year old is no longer my baby. I can still catch a glimpse of her smallness. I see it in her little hands as shes doing a puzzle. I hear it in her sweet voice when she tells me she loves me.

Our bedroom doors are on either end of a hallway. She was in her room trying on clothes and I was spying on her from my bed. It was like all of the sudden she was 17. I saw her taller, leaner and grown up. And it made my heart hurt.

Turning 30 this year has changed my perspective on a lot of things. I have realized that this is the only life I get to live. It is spiraling out of control very quickly, meaning, the time...where has it gone? At the same time I am realizing I no longer have a baby. I have a child. And I guess what I am realizing is that I have taken all of these years for granted. Oh, I adored her and couldn't get enough of her as a baby. But then something happened where it became all about me. (getting real here...)Her constant chatter annoyed me, she got in my way a lot, and in general I wanted to be left alone. I definitely had issues and I feel like I worked through a lot of them. I know I have considering I can look back and see all the bad. Realizing that things aren't going to slow down and this is my only chance with her has snapped me out of my funk.

I told my husband last night that I am so thrilled to get to home school her. I thought that when she is 18 and headed to college I will be so grateful I was able to spend all this time with her, because I know I am going to miss her. Think of all the time that could be lost at school?

I have also been thinking a lot of how content I am. Its not like we are settled. We are far from it. We had planned on building this year while we rented, but we think God is changing our plans to include buying a house in the area.
But something about being in the mountains, something about experiencing fall weather ALREADY, it just has me at peace. God is so good to us, and He is at work in our lives and I am so happy and peaceful.

My marriage has been on my mind. We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary in December. Our marriage has never been easy. We've had a lot of ups and downs. Too many to count, but praise God!!!! we are still going at it. Ten years is a long time to get to know someone. I am just finally learning to relax, not take things so personally and stop being so sensitive. Whew! It took long enough and I am sure it will take another 10 years before I feel like I've half way conquered them.

I have been thinking a lot about my other daughter. This past January God put a small Chinese girl in front of us and said I have this for you. We have had a little Chinese girl on our hearts whenever we talk about her or pray. but recently God has shown me that she may not be Chinese and would I be ok with that? Yeah, I don't really think He was asking my permission either. Lets just consider that a rhetorical question. After prayer and seeking Him, Yes, I am ok with that. So, now our next daughter has no face. But she does have a name. We havn't even started the process due to the fact that my husband just started a job this week and makes no where near the required income. (Does anyone have any loopholes around this)?

So, So many things on my mind these past few weeks. So lets just say that I am a happy and content woman who is loving on her girl like crazy, loving being married and dreaming of a little girl who will one day be mine. Life is good.

The Body of Christ

I cannot even begin to tell you how this new church of ours has ministered to our hearts. I've been there almost 6 weeks now and feel like I never want to leave. I know that the "honeymoon" phase will pass, but God has brought us to this place. I'm not really sure we would be doing as good as we are without this body of believers.

Remember the home school curriculum? Well, it turned out to be the complete Kindergarten set from A Beka. This is the curriculum that is used at the church's school. I do not have to buy one item for Kindergarten and it is top quality stuff. To think that God provided that for us before we even knew we needed it amazes me to no end. Speaking of their school, we were offered free tuition this year. Free private school tuition? Ummm, Wow! We have been asking the Lord for His wisdom, and I believe we are going to continue the plans to homeschool. I know...who turns down free private school education? Well, apparently we do. The final decision has not been made yet as we are still asking the Lord for an answer.

Last night the men laid hands on my husband and prayed that the Lord would provide a job for him that is beyond anything we can imagine. We have been asking the Lord for the same thing. My husband was moved to tears as he stood up and praised God for believers who fill up our spiritual tank. We leave there loved on and encouraged by every single person. They love on us like we've been members for 30 years. We are so very thankful to God for His provision in leading us to this church.

You know how you can just tell when God is about to do something really big? We have had that feeling these past few weeks. Of course then my husband lost his job. That's big. But God is about to do something bigger.

Speaking of big, a child was conceived in our hearts on January 15, 2010. We attended Winter Jam 2010. We sponsored a Chinese girl. Our hearts were moved. The Lord has been at work. He has used women of God in my life to speak truth about the orphan. I have learned so much and have been taught so much about God's faithfulness in adoption and I have been able to pass it along to my husband. Adoption is scary. International adoption is down right terrifying. The money? Forget about it. The travel? I've hardly left the east coast of the U.S. But disobeying God's prompting to adopt is even more scary.

He's been speaking about it though. He's been working on our hearts. He's given me a name. And I mean that there is no way that I will ever name her anything else. He has laid it on my heart to stop giving away my daughter's clothes. Usually I find a family with smaller girls and pass them on. Or I give them to my mom for her foster care closet. I didn't hear a voice, but I felt a gentle leading to stop. Just plain and simple, stop giving away the clothes. I can sense that He is working.

Let me just stop and clarify that last statement. I have never been one to hear God speaking to me. I have always wanted to, but didn't really know how to listen. But, again, thanks to Godly women, I am learning more. I try to soften my heart in so many ways. I lean in and listen. I have learned THE HARD WAY to listen good and when I think its the Lord speaking I better listen up and listen good. About 90% of the time, its Him and He means business.

So, I'm sensing Him move. All this during a time when we are renting a house that we can't afford. My husband has no job, our property has a foundation on it only. And we are not sure if we even have the money to finish it. We are caught somewhere in the middle. Now, this is a good time to see God work miracles in our lives. Can God work when everything is perfect? Oh sure. But I think we will be most likely to take credit for it ourselves. How does it go? When we are weak, He is strong. When we can't get our crap together, then the Lord can work. When we can't do it ourselves, the Lord steps in.

I just wanted to let you know whats been swirling around in my heart lately. I would appreciate your sincere prayers for our family. Praise God we are healthy! But its still hard when its finances. How can I pray for you today?

Memorial Box Monday

For more stories about God's faithfulness,visit A Place Called Simplicity

***Edited: My husband came home today without a job. How much more this story blesses my soul. Will you join me in prayer for our incredible God to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine?***

Its been so long since I've posted one of the these. I must be the worst blogger in the world. God is just so faithful in the small things and I need to mention this. My girl will start kindergarten in a few weeks. We homeschool and I am very excited. The bad thing is that we have zero extra money right now for curriculum. I found some books that I wanted to use and it would have cost around $50. We plan on utilizing the library a lot.
I feel like I should back up and say that we have money in savings. We are not destitute. We are trying not to touch that money because if we spend it, we are essentially homeless next year after our lease is up here. That money is for our small house we are building. The Lord is good and I'm so thankful that we have that money there anyway. So we are trying to live off my husband's paycheck and it just doesn't cover it.
Back to these books. I know $50 is not a lot. Especially for homeschool material. But this is kindergarten and really how much will I need? So I had my list and my husband said wait until payday to order it. My fingers itched and itched to just go ahead and order it, but I held off.
We are at church Sunday night and this lady comes up to me and tells me that some of the ladies have put together a basket of books for us. She says its probably everything I will need for kindergarten. Say what?!?!? She even included some supplies. Now, I don't know whats in this basket. The books may be old, used or not what I was planning on using. But the Lord knows better than me. He knows whats in there because He told them what to put in there.
We've only been at this church 5 weeks. My husband slightly longer since he was attending here while we were in Tennessee. But they really don't know us. But they took the time to put together some things for us.
The way we came to this church is another God story by itself. Only by His will did we come here. And without this church we would probably be in pretty bad shape spiritually. We have a preacher who preaches the truth.
We are doing so good. And thanks be to God for His goodness to our family.